NOURISHING AND TOXIC LIVING: "N" PEOPLE

Intimate relating means avoiding using our resources to manipulate the other person.

While N people are more available and responsive, their giving is not forced on others; it is offered. They do not try to persuade others into accepting their favors. Despite their genuine interest in giving, they do not intrude if the other expresses lack of interest. In turn, giving to N people is easy and gratifying. The N person is less demanding and more appreciative of what he receives. He handles his unfulfilled needs himself rather than burdening others with them.

A good self-nourisher is persistent in striving for what he wants. However, he does not put all his eggs in one basket. Toxic people often hunt compulsively for intense relationships and neglect all others, as if there were no point in appreciating anything less than the ideal. Nourishing people experience this compulsion to be intimate as toxic and intrusive and are apt to avoid this rigid way of relating.

The N person is better able to accept what he does not like in another, while appreciating what gratification he does find in the relationship. He does not, like the T person, simply cut people off because of their failings or withdraw permanently when they attempt to manipulate or use him in some way. Rather, he has a greater range of inner resources with which to cope with these occurrences in an ongoing relationship. He is more likely to be aware when he is being used, and he is better able to stop this from occurring or continuing. He can say "no" without annihilating the other person, and he can take his position in a disagreement without an excessive need to explain or justify himself. He does not need to win approval of his own actions from others. He can be rejecting toward another person at one time and still remain free to subsequently give to him.

The N person has greater awareness of his experiences and has greater ability to integrate these into his responsiveness. He uses his awareness to avoid manipulating others and to be more accepting of their limitations. He doesn't demand that the other do more than he is able or willing to do. If his eleven-year-old son has an I.Q. of 150 and a "C" average, he accepts his son's below-potential performance. He may feel concern and express his willingness to help in any way he can, but he doesn't try to force a change in behavior. The T parent, in contrast, uses a variety of manipulative techniques to "get" his son to improve.

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